You’re the biggest latecomer in the world. You always come 5 minutes later but today you arrive on time. 

You’re moments late to everything. You watch busses pull away as you run behind them, you miss the first 5 minutes of every movie, and you have never caught a green light. One day, you arrive on time. And you’re greeted with a “good job!” by a coworker. It’s always the same coworker, and they always say it at the exact same time. You look at them, and they look at you. You quickly realize they are mocking you, you are late to everything. You have never caught a green light.

I think that about sums it up.

If you don’t laugh you’ll cry.

I have found that I need to laugh at my situations, otherwise I would go crazy.

There’s always a bright side, and it’s easy to see when your life isn’t perfect.

Happy hours, promotions, sick days, paternity leaves, bad days at work, an easy 4th of July, and an easy first day of school. There are always something to be thankful for, even if you can’t always see it when you’re going through hell.

I don’t think I have to mention the relationship between your mother and your father.

Don’t judge someone for something you don’t understand.

I think that is about it.

You’re the biggest latecomer in the world. You always come 5 minutes later but today you arrive on time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The most dangerous holiday is Halloween, because of witches, vampires, and the bogeyman. The most dangerous place in the world is on the roof of the Empire State Building. The one thing that won’t kill you is heavy snow on your head, but a loaded gun in your hand will. The man who laughs last, thinks slowest. The doctor who blames his patients is the best. The man who doesn’t read good books is an educated idiot. The fastest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. The person who gets up at 6AM, works out at 6PM and goes to bed at 10PM is a morning person. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. The most common cold is influenza. The only good thing about a bad teacher is the assignment on his/her desk. The man who makes a living at cheating on his wife, is a philanderer. The fastest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. The sound of your own breathing is the best alarm clock. The truth is most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. The good news is you don’t have to be. The biggest mistake most people make is assuming that there is no alternative. The three most expensive words in the English language are $40,000,000,000. The biggest tip you can get is to be yourself. The only two reasons a man won’t shoot you is because he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, or he doesn’t have a gun. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The best thing about eating more than one helping is that it’s free! The best defense is a good offense. A good idea is better than a perfect plan. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The most important question to ask at a job interview is: “What can I do for you?” The best time to marry is the day before. The best way to stay fit is to eat what you like, not what you must. The worst thing that can happen to a person is to fall in love. The second worst thing is to fall out of love. The best time to plant a tree is yesterday. The best way to play bridge is with a partner. The best way to escape a mean person is to go to their home. The best way to get rid of a hater is to pretend you like them. The worst part of growing older is that you don’t change. The best thing that will happen to you is if you don’t change. The easiest way to keep a man is to never give him your name. The person who has the most toys is the one who needs them the least. The most common mistake most people make is underestimating the power of positive thinking. The biggest disaster in American history was the panic of 1907. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. The most unusual animal in the world is the Mallard Duck. The shortest distance between two points is the person who carries it.